when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I enjoy the company of your penis
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
