I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
