she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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