So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
