remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
