1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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