I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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