On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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