That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You made out with two different species that night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
