my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You took a bar mat shot.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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