We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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