If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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