he wants to bone in the snuggie
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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