what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
