i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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