I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
