This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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