i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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