and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
