this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
