Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
