:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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