Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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