i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
