I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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