I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
