WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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