all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
