He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ketchup is God's man juice
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
