Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
