dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
