I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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