I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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