So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
