I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
