she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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