That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
so much tequila, so little girl.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
