i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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