No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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