She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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