It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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