How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
