my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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