I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
don't judge my taste in strippers
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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