My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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