i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you would pick up someone in the library
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
