something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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