I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
