can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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