Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
