i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
