11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
