so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You ruined the universe
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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