Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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