i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
