i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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