When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
