I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
