he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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