I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
