Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
