The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You did what with his pubic hair?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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