Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
